Status of the FCC

For this assignment, I decided to do the Status Report assignment.

The remix I got was to change the media. A status report is usually written, but I could forsee one being done with audio. So, I warmed up audacity, cobbled together a script, hit the record button, and trimmed a couple awkward points via click, drag, and delete key.

The rough thing about remixing this assignment is that, as stated above, most audits are done on some readable content. This is so the subject can easily refer back to the report and quickly pinpoint areas of improvement. I wanted to have a good reason for doing this assignment in another media. That’s when I realized I could use my low-quality recording capabilities to get someone in trouble…

Audit reports are no fun when everything is hunky-dory. I am relatively happy I found a main issue to bore into with the FCC. The idea of letting them hear the ‘interference’ I felt was a great way to justify giving them an audit via audio.

Vacation on a Desert Island

On hitting the mashup button, I got the “Jump Opposer” mashup, which states that I need t write an opposite version of the assignment, one that has the opposite of the intended effect.

Let us write a nightmarish view of Welcome to Paradise.

Well good sir, you have done it again. You have truly done it again. I don’t know how you managed to unbuckle both our seatbelts, pull the emergency exit handle, and grab me while you were being sucked out the airplane all in one fluid motion, but you sir, are apparently amazing at multitasking.

Now here we are, stranded on a miniature sand island in the middle of the ocean. Seriously, I thought these things only existed in comics! At least the comic islands had a little palm tree for shade, we are less lucky than that!

At any rate, at least the airline has a good idea of where we jumped plane. If we are lucky, a pontoon plane will find us before we die of thirst. That will likely take a few days.

So now that we have so drastically changed our vacation setting, what do we have to look forward to? Sunburn. Lots of sunburn. An sand mites. Seriously, this is a desert island in the middle of the ocean! Why is there any living thing on this island?!? Do the sandmites get a steady flow of unfortunate souls to keep their population thriving?  Will we find piles upon piles of bones 3 inches under the sand?

Brilliant move sir, simply brilliant.

So, the opposite of a dream vacation is obviously a nightmare vacation. I still wanted to keep a certain comedic feel about it. The emotion calculator (made up by me) says terror + comedy = incredulity. So that is the tone I was going for.

On continuing down the comedy line, I recalled all the Far-Side comics I have seen set with some number of people stranded on an island. This aligned with the vacation stereotype of a beach vacation, so I took it and ran.

An Audit with Blair

No one is more qualified to give a status report than someone who can wander around your computer. Morlium, in a joint venture with Blair, has been directed to audit the Department of Health and Human Services. I took on this assignment because it is a good fit for multiple hosts.


Our findings are not favorable. We have found that your infrastructure is completely vulnerable to beings capable of manifesting themselves within your computer infrastructure. Your deepest secrets are exposed, from your employees social security numbers to the embarrassing photos.

Have you considered periodically wiping your system, moving it from place to place? Also, consider periodically causing a power surge on your system. We note that is very effective at keeping out unwanted intruders.

Furthermore, we have significant problems with your diagnostic equipment. Namely, they fail to diagnose anything. we have confirmation here that Blaire is a mess, and your instruments detected…NOTHING! If they were truly capable of diagnosing illness, they would have been able to at least given a clue as to what is wrong with Blair. We are not medical experts, so we cannot give suggestions as to how to fix this problem. We simply recommend that once you hire someone, you test your equipment in controlled trials to make sure it actually works. Such negligence is inexcusable.

Find attached several documents we found while auditing. Several of the attached merit criminal charges. see our comments on the actual forms.


I have read a lot of the assignments, so in wandering around the available characters, I had an idea of who might work with what. I knew I wanted an audit that went very badly. Morlium could cover the computer side, in a very unique way as well. I needed a host that could add something extra, someone with something unique. Blair fit the bill perfectly, and so it was determined the audited agency would be Health and Human Services. This team was set up to make them fail, and fail they did.

Dinner with Walter and Sally

The fact that this week’s assignments must involve two characters constrains to a certain extent what assignments can be completed. This one looked interesting (I enjoy writing about food-related things), and certainly was a go for involving multiple characters. I looked around the characters, and found some extra company. We are a go.

“Good Evening Walter, and…Sally, I am quite glad that you were able to join us. You certainly make the conversation…easier”

“Absolutely! There aren’t a lot of people who stuck around following the apocalypse! How could we pass up such a rare invite?”


“Walter says ‘good day'”

“Excellent. Please…come in and make yourselves…comfortable. Dinner will be set momentarily.”


“Thank you”

“If you will please…come to the table. I must apologize that I was unable to procure Walter’s…usual dietary needs. As you see, we have…rare venison, venison brain, antelope brain, rare moose, and preserved apricot.”

“Wow, how did you manage to obtain all of this?”

“When you spend as much time…wandering as I have, both in the woods and online, you learn how to obtain such things even in the most…desperate of times.”

“Blurraaagghhh ughhhhhhh”

“Walter is dissatisfied that you were not able to find any human remains.”

“Well, Walter and his friends were quite…efficient at depopulating the area. I am afraid I have no experience or knowledge in obtaining such fare.”

*Walter sits down and piles food from the brain platters on his plate, Sally and Morlium take seats.”

“So…tell me Walter, how has the swarm been…getting along”

“arrrrrrhhhhhh uuggghhhhhhhhh”

“He says that so much of the human population has left, the swarm is considering moving to another location.”

“Ahhh…it is sad that I may not be…seeing more of you in the future. What direction will you be headed?”


“There is a stronghold of survivors north of here they might visit. I visited once, but they asked me not to come back. They have a lot of people there.”

“Ah yes. I heard they were fencing off farmland to plant crops. I understand they are…not open to zombies”

“Errroogghh unggggggghh”

“They are planning a sitin, just walk up to the place and try to get in until they are served. Personally, I think they are insane for trying.”

“Ah yes, classic…civil disobedience. Well, I hope that not too many of you die during the…sitin”

“Errrrroorrggg aaahhhhnnnggggg”

“He says there is nothing better to do, things have been pretty slow around here”

“Indeed, who want’s to live forever? I certainly didn’t.”


*Walter hurls plate onto floor

“Ahem…It would appear…that you are done for the evening, yes Walter?”

“Yes, I believe he is”

“Thank you Sally for…joining us this evening, I apologize that our conversation was not more…pertinent to you.”

“Yes, well it wasn’t exactly pertinent to you either. Walter has a way of dominating the conversation. Thank you for putting up with him.”

*Walter and Sally leave out the front door, Morlium returns to the modem to continue his digital travels. Later that evening, human survivors raid the building and make off with the meat and the leftover preserves.

First, I very much dislike labeling speech in all-speech exchanges. Fortunately, Morlium pauses periodically during long sentences, and Walter is a zombie, so the characters are easily identifiable without the labels.

The difficult thing about bringing together characters is the dynamics of the interaction. Since I am the one who created Morlium, my bias is of course to make him the dominant character simply because I have a stronger handle on what his character is. In this case, I tried to compensate for this bias by having the topic of conversation be more relevant to the guests.

Keeping in character was quite easy. Morlium is in his element as a very formal host, though one who works to accommodate some of the more repulsive traits of his guests. From reading the descriptions, sally seems somewhat bubbly in speech, while Walter would be quite intelligent. I tried to combine these as best as possible, but really only Sally can speak, so I had a hard time specifically ascribing some traits to each character.

As for the ending, Walter is a Zombie, what more would you expect? I always have to pay some homage to the classic stereotype, and homage to Walter and sally’s presence in an apocalyptic world.